I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
