Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
