Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
