he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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