I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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