Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
