I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
