I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
