Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
