He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize