I wish I could punch you in the face.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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