There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
