We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
