i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
