I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
