I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
