In the future we'll all be gay
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm like, not good at living.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
