he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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