rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
