I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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