Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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