He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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