Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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