dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
