I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
false alarm. still invincible.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
