My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
