My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
