I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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