He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize