This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
