i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
