I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
that may or may not have been my penis.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
