I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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