Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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