im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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