I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
