I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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