Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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