Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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