Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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