I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
