You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
