Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(510): View more from California

Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.

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