I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
