just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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