God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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