Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
