I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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