i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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