I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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