return my video game
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
