I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
