I wish my penis had an off switch
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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