there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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