Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
