Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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