Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I smell like Dick and happiness
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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