she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
