My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Randomize
