Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
