the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
