I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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