If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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