So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
