I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
